


just a ghost

by wintersweather



Series: hiraeth [3]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 14:20:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16494236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersweather/pseuds/wintersweather
Summary: are we still in love, and is it possible we feel the same?





	just a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> title/excerpt from "morph" by twenty one pilots!

Brian's bedroom was just on the side of "too small"; enough for two people to exist in, but not comfortably. They sat together on Brian's bed as a thin silence stretched between them.

Brian gave off a nervous energy, eyes shifting around the room. Pat felt somewhat the same, tried to remain collected where Brian couldn't.

"I don't know how to _do_ long distance." Brian spoke first, avoiding eye contact like it was his job. "I don't - I'm not sure if -" He hesitated, shoulders dropping.

Pat waited for Brian to continue, because he knew Brian would. He always did.

"If we missed each other this badly these past few weeks apart, how can we date and do it?" Brian frowned, finally meeting Pat's gaze. His brows were drawn together, eyes wide behind his glasses, waiting for an answer.

Pat hadn't considered it until that moment. Somewhere deep in the selfish recesses of his mind, he thought Brian might come back to New York to be together. Realistically, it could never happen, and Pat felt silly for even vaguely thinking about it.

Pat opened his mouth to reply, but Brian started back up again. "I know we can text and all, but..." His voice trailed off, his time soft. He dropped his gaze again at his hands fidgeting in his lap.

"But we can work this out." Pat said, tilting his head to the side. "Right? We have to. That's what love is about." He added, partially to convince himself.

Brian shrugged, slender shoulders rising and falling minutely. "I don't know what would hurt more." He said, barely above a whisper.

It was Pat's turn to frown. "What do you mean?" he asked, leaning forward. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, loud enough that he wouldn't be surprised if Brian could hear it, too.

"Would we just be wasting our time? Knowing it won't work but trying it anyway?" Brian asked, his voice cracking, sounding raw.

Things felt like they were quietly falling apart, and Pat couldn't figure out how to pick up the pieces fast enough. He floundered with his words for a moment, trying to form something remotely coherent or convincing from his jumbled thoughts.

"But it _could_ work." was all he came up with, a pathetic response in his own ears. "We've never tried."

"But it _won't_." Brian insisted. Deep down, Pat knew he was right. They were too dependant on physically being there for one another, it'd just crash and burn.

Still, Pat was willing to give it a Hell of a go. "I want to try."

"Well, I don't. It'll strain our platonic relationship. I don't want an inevitable breakup to ruin our friendship." Brian said. "You're not thinking about it realistically."

The words shocked Pat. He felt his eyes go big. " _I'm_ not thinking realistically? Brian, you're the one who told me you loved me and then fucked off to Baltimore. How am I supposed to think and feel? I'm not sure what you want-"

"I want to be with you, you jackass!" Brian raised his voice, a rare occurrence that startled Pat, made his stomach drop. "But it's too late! We waited too long and now I'm in Maryland and I'm not coming back."

Pat felt wounded at Brian's words, enough to make his chest feel like it was collapsing in on itself. "Then why won't you _try_?! If - I don't -"

"You shouldn't have came here." Brian said, his eyes glassy with tears. "Go back home and forget me or whatever you need to do."

"Brian, you don't mean that." Pat couldn't help the way his voice raised at the end, making it sound like a question.

"You said it yourself back before you got into that cab. We're too late." Brian answered, blinking hard. "Just go back to New York."

Pats mind raced, trying to grasp onto something, anything. He wanted to save the conversation, but all he could manage was a soft "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." Brian repeated, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. "Bye now, Pat. Take care of yourself."

\- - -

Simone picked him up after he called. "So, how did it go?" She asked expectantly, grinning at Pat.

"The only way it could've gone worse is if he shanked me and left me for dead." Pat paused, buckling his seatbelt. "And not to be emo, but maybe that would hurt less."

Simones face fell. "So...not so great, huh?" She sighed, pulling away from the curb.

Pat watched Brian's little rental fade into the distance through the rearview. "Awful, actually." He then gave her a brief rundown of their conversation, feeling unwaveringly horrible as he did.

She gave him a sympathetic wince, grimacing. "Oh, shit." She said, glancing at Pat. "That can't be the end though, yeah? You guys just...hating each other?"

"I don't hate him. That's the issue." Pat answered. It'd be a lot easier if he did. "I don't know. You write romance novels, what do you think?"

Simone laughed a little. "I donf know if I'm qualified for real life relationship advice, as much as I wish I had something constructive to say. Just give it some time." She said, shrugging a shoulder. "It just - it doesn't feel right."

"Tell me about it." Pat sighed. Nothing had felt right recently.

\- - -

On the upside, Simone had managed to book them a cheap hotel room for the night. Pat was thankful that they wouldn't be sleeping in her car, at least.

Simone sighed, dropping her purse on the coffee table. Neither of them had planned well, bringing no changes of clothes or anything, really.

It was all just one room, with a bed and a living area and a tiny kitchenette. It was the best she could do.

"I'll sleep on the couch." Pat offered, glancing around the room. It was grim.

"Thanks! It's a pullout, if that makes anything better." She grinned, plugging her phone into the wall near the bed. "It's only the afternoon. What's there to do in Baltimore?"

"Oh, other than getting your heart broken? I'm not sure." Pat replied, only halfway joking as he pulled all the blinds open. There was a door leading to a miniscule balcony outside, with one shoddy lawn chair sitting on it.

"I've gotta fall in love before that can happen." Simone answered, watching him.

Pat nodded, taking a seat on the couch after the room was exposed to the sun. "Ever been in love?"

"Sure." She answered, sitting beside him. "Or had a lot of times where I thought I was, at least. I haven't figured out how people really... _know_ , I guess."

Pat was quiet, thinking her words over. Hed been infatuated plenty of times himself, but things always felt a little different with Brian. "I guess it's just about acceptance and stuff like that."

"All the stuff they say in online Cosmo articles, huh?" She laughed. "You know, the _10 Signs It's Love_ sorta things." Her smile fell just a bit. "Theyre all bullshit, I know. But I still read them every time I get a long-term crush."

It was such a Simone thing to confess to. Still, Pat didn't quite know how to respond, staying quiet and taking her in for a few moments. She had looked away from him, staring ahead.

Finally, she took a deep breath and huffed it out. "Sometimes? I get worried I'll never find love." She admitted, her eyes flicking back to Pat's. "Everyone says I'm too young to worry about it, but," She shrugged. "I'm not getting any younger."

"Yeah." Pat said, nodding his head. "You'll find your person, I think. And if not, that'll be just fine, too. Who needs it?"

The smile returned to her face, and she reached out to pat his knee. "Thanks, Pat. You're pretty alright."

\- - -

Pat couldn't shake the miserable feeling that followed him for the rest of the day. They took a walk together through one of Baltimore's many parks, and Pat felt like his conversation with Brian happened ages ago. Conversely, it still felt like a fresh wound that Pat wouldn't let scar over.

He hated that his last two times with Brian had both ended in Brian being near tears. It made his heart ache, remembering Brian's tear-shiny eyes, a direct cause from Pat's own actions and words and choices. He wanted to go back and hold Brian close to his chest, never letting him go again. Still, He knew Brian wouldn't want to see him again.

It felt like things were finished permanently, too late to revert the changes. He only had so many chances to get it right, and he already ruined two.

He wasn't sure he would get a third.

**Author's Note:**

> wow i never though i'd finish this !!!
> 
> i goofed with my ending so i gotta make a part four!
> 
> tumblr: easterntimecryptid
> 
> twitter: estcryptid


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